The more I admire the human life, the more it astounds me with yet another dimension. You talk philosophy, you preach science, you live an atheist, you spread logic, you respect god, you fear Karma, you do anything or you don’t do one, there is always this inner thread that goes through your every action connecting each frame with something else, leaves a clue for you either to pick it and explore further or to leave it into the oblivion that is called the past. Its all like a jigsaw puzzle that you earnestly try to put together each piece in place and the moment you solve it that you are given a new puzzle… and you start searching to put the new piece in its place.. all the way never realizing your own silent acknowledgment — in the rush to finish, in the run for success — that each piece is actually connected with many.
So, when i was lasting the different phases of my own past, I always felt this connection between each frame, just like you are incessantly represented by a stream of GPS co-ordinates, that only the positional x,y-values change but the plot remains the same… more or less..
Just like any of you, I have never known what future has in store for me. I don’t think of a phenomenal success or becoming a Billionaire over night, I don’t worry about any grave debacle that rips apart all of me into pieces ….. or for that matter, what occupies my mind is only ‘what next’.. a small incremental, immediate next… I happily flounder about in this great maze of directions, always willing to trace-back and correct my path. If you ask me about my long-term plans, as to what will I be after 10 years etc., then I silently laugh at the question. When there is so much dynamism in what we do and as much uncertainty associated with everything, there is practically no point in answering that question., or even think about it. Never mind.
And then this observation. This study. This sense of living amidst fully grown(?) distinct independent minds and contemplating them, the changing relations, the crashing studies, the teaching interactions, then altering my own self-learning algorithms.. its all a pretty hectic life we live here, you know.
But, there is no big deal in all this. Everyone lives it, more or less the same way. So, when I found myself so lost in situations, stumbling over my own definitions that I thought were otherwise so concrete/fool-proof, wading through some inexplicable moments of embarrassment around the bend.. it is then that I realized I should have some clarity over the constituent elements of my life. ‘Things’ are not very important, as deliberately misconstrued by many, but it is ‘People’ that are the real ingredients of any juicy life and so did I brood over it.
My first thoughts are of a ‘self-centered’ approach, ‘me’ at the center of the whole universe, then drew concentric circles representing the elements based on their proximity/relevance to my very own existence. These circles slowly faded away as I moved outwards into a vast, unexplored & unknown universe. I could only have some clarity on myself, my family, friends and the acquaintances… in a decreasing order. This Design proved to be somewhat appropriate, connected some dead-ends and looked budding. It made me a student for the rest of my life, forever in search of a Truth, in search of a Realization.. its like having lakhs of big books in the library and you decided to read every one of them.
Then, I watched people drifting across the circles both inwards and outwards. I acknowledged outer circles having stronger influence on me (at times) contrary to the Design postulations. I continued regarding each circle, the bigger the more. The smaller, the deeper. Life was moving on as usual in Brownian motion. Then happened a daunting discovery… that I am not the true center of all these concentric circles… that there is something within me which is of huge astronomical proportions., which is omnipresent in each & every part of my life, which decides the course of my actions, which influences even the tiniest of my interactions. Its my Id.. Its my Ego.. the combination of which I can only think of as a supermassive blackhole whose presence can neither be ignored nor peacefully lived with. Its a confession I have to make to the world. Its a discovery that reflects everyone in the same mirror. It applies to all of you.
And so I found I am sandwiched between the two Universes, the Internal and the External. Greatly, the intermediate circles in the Design now look to be existing only to help me ease through all this. Only to provide some lubrication making my life little easier. If you understand this concept, you will be a changed man forever. You will change for me. You will change along with me. One sure positive thing about all this is that I have so much to be eventually tamed, so much more to take control of and even more to submit myself to… 🙂
And the fun side of it? Stop saying ‘you are my heart’ to your girlfriend next time, but say ‘You are my blackhole’ 🙂 (’cause you can’t get deeper than that you see :p )
Thanks for spending time to read my mind and please please let me know your thoughts.